1. I need you to buy my books, Assault on the Senses and Training the Problem: Stories and a Novella. And then I need you to tell your friends to do so as well.
2. I’m in need of a blog post, and I’m not too proud to admit that I’m phoning it in by posting this modified, updated version of a “All About Me List” I found buried on my zip drive from a project in college.
3. I’m marrying a girl who owns a cat that tried to kill me.
4. I have backwards shins that cause my knees to lock backwards, like an ostrich. Doctors wanted to repair this when I was a child by breaking my legs and resetting them, forcing me to wear leg braces until I was a teenager, a la Forrest Gump. My mom wouldn’t let them.
5. Sometimes, I think all of you are fucking lunatics.
6. My oldest and most-trusted friend is none other than television’s Rob Lowe. Our friendship revolves around a pact to never tell anyone about a dead waitress we “found” in his Lake Tahoe hotel suite.
7. Rob Lowe is probably mad at me for breaking our pact.
BFF
8. I just lied to you. I don’t really know Rob Lowe 
9. I’ve ruined a complete stranger’s wedding before it was the cool thing to do.
10. In 1999, 3 out of 5 Borders Book Store employees thought I was more studly than Joe Gambardello. The fifth of those employees demanded we leave and stop bothering the staff.
11. Mentally, I’m still immature enough to think there is something wrong with selling out.
12. Currently, I’m suffering from three different counts of writer’s block regarding three different projects. I’m hoping this list helps get the juices flowing–non-sexually, that is.
13. I used to be acquainted with a guy named Lou who looked like a pirate and gave me weight loss advice.
14. For a magazine article, I once interviewed comic book legend Jim Sterenko, who called the article I wrote about him one of the worst articles he’s ever read and “some kind of trashy, unpolished joke.” He also told me that he’d sue me if the article ever saw the light of day.
15. Each day, I probably eat more fiber than your grandparents.
16. I helped write “The Book of Beer Pong” (Chronicle, 2009), the definitive guide to beer pong. You should buy that book, too.
17. Three years ago, I broke my ankle, but since it was misdiagnosed as a sprain, I started walking on it after only a week of rest. My ankle is now permanently damaged.
18. I was my cousin’s “Phone-a-friend” lifeline on “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.” But he didn’t call me, instead wasting the lifeline on a question he already knew the answer to. I knew the answer to the question he eventually got wrong…if he trusted me, he would have won $32K instead of $16K. The question: What is the sequel to John Milton’s poem, “Paradise Lost”? The answer: “Paradise Regained.”
19. I own a Chinese Jade bonsai plant and a Saguaro cactus. This is my idea of cultural diversity.
20. I’m almost 30, and I’ve held over 30 jobs.
21. My dog, Sir Charles Barkley, was named after the former NBA player who apparently really likes blow jobs.
22. I’ve had stories rejected by magazines and books because the editors see my characters and think I’m a misogynist, a racist or a creep, which I’m not. Maybe I’m a creep, but not the other two things.
23. My first memory dates back to before I could talk. Seriously.
24. I used to write regularly for the now uber-famous College Humor.com until we parted ways regarding the publication of an article I wrote about coping a feel on people while they didn’t know about it.
25. I was featured as Philly Edge magazine’s Feb. 14, 2007 Man of the Week. You’re welcome, Philadelphia.
